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06 May 2017 @ 04:05 am
This month mark 12 years between me and Sabrina. I couldn't be more happy about it.
I'm going to propose to her. I already order the ring.
Her sister knows, some of my friends know.
Sabrina is the one..
there is no doubts, no nothing in my soul.
although the wedding will never be perfect. I want to invite those that help me those that was there for the beginning for us.
Sadly like life. Friends passed away that I would love to hear angel rivera's speech to me and sabrina. Friends drift apart and become ex friends that doesn't want to have anything to do with me due to my past mistake. Make no mistake. I do wish cecilia would come to the wedding. If not for me then at least for sabrina since they were childhood friends and she did help out big time during those dark days and i couldn't never pay her enough for what she done. Even though she was reading those letters. -_-+  in the end, friendship died because of my foolish mistake that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

Today I went to see the phantom of the opera for the second time. I enjoy it even more than last time but maybe it time to expand more on my taste?
2017 is still a odd beast for me than before. I had a old friend who I didn't like much Irvin to contact me which cause me to feel a bit puzzle? But..
I am a forgiving person. I don't hold anger towards people from the past. Hell, I rather reconnect with everybody again which is still a work in progress.
Still though.. I don't know why I still post. No one read this. :(
22 March 2017 @ 07:35 am
... I think I'm finally losing it.
please god, give me a sign if i am..
31 January 2017 @ 01:00 am
passed away today
One who I known since High school. Her mom as I was talking to her was fine until later on in the evening.. I did my best to comfort her. She gone through so much and can't even fucking attend to the funerial.. Because its in another country and money issues.. I wish I can give her a hug right now...
and the other is my best friend. She informed me just a hour ago on it. I... I don't know what to say but I will be there for her tomorrow as I will head to her place after juty duty.. or when she out of class..  She was just fine too..

Life is so fucking short, I want you people who read my damn LJ. Please hold on to your mothers. You have only one. No matter what problems you have or had. You never know what will happen tomorrow...
I huged my mom after all this...
12 January 2017 @ 09:18 am
Hanged out with this friend i met through christina. Shes a lot of fun, watched star wars with her and learn she into retro gaming! Good, I don't have to feel alone on that field.
Also Pissing off a jealous husband took the highlight of the month but then again. He fucking... Deserve it. Sabrina's approved.
02 January 2017 @ 01:34 pm
I disable Comments from everybody
Now I reable it. -_-
My apologies
02 January 2017 @ 03:54 am
If it wasn't for me.. my friend would have gave up killed herself years ago..

All I wanted to do to is prevent another sucide Like angel happening in my life.. If I can save someone..
Because I wish I had the information that was prevented to me from others. Learning he did tried to kill himself with a gun BEFORE HIS FUCKING SUCIDE. I WISH I KNEW. I could have done something! Anything..
His death cause a shockwave in people lives..
Mine, Matthew, Joe, Cecilia, Orlando, Iris, The list goes on..
We always say we gotta stick together.. But.. I failed that.
I miss that son of a bitch.
17 December 2016 @ 03:17 am

last week has been a eye opener.
Monday I met up with Connie. Yes, That connie. After 5 years. We saw each other once more. She's a prime example why I believe in bonds. Bonds don't die. They left on plause.
I treated her out to dinner. We talked like there no filter in our mouths. Family, Porn, sex, doujin, Personal life. I took her to jabon in the east village. Where we ate sushi and others I haven't even ate before.

Afterward we took a scroll through Union square of the christmas stands and whats not. She brought us Hot apple cinder. I told her what been happening to me in the past. The death of angel, The misunderstanding of me and Cecilia which destroy the friendship (for now. Somehow I still hold on to hope!), and work as she told me her end of things.
Then we went to DSW because I encourage her to shop. I was waiting outside of the fitting room (no men allow!)
Giving my opinion on her clothes she was wearing. Her friend show up. I stay for a bit and said to be continue in Japan!

I got a text from Meghan that she want to hang out for dinner. I was like sure, why not?
It was raining like hell. My mind is in disrayed, The rain remind me of my emotions. My failures, What I am unable to do or achive. I shake it off.
I met up with her after work at 7:30. On time too.
We talked and walked in the rain. Catching up on things. I told her what been happening to me as she updated me with her life.
We ate such good food!!! I was so full that I'm still feeling it.

Wednesday wasn't much beside missing connie who went back to japan.
I thought about 2016. The fuckery it put on my mind. The stains I felt.
The emotions I went through.
I literary had a huge Emotional breakdown during 2016 about Cecilia when I saw her at Civil war. I was so uncomforable that I wasn't able to get hype about Spider-man. SPIDER-MAN.
Two days later I cried like hell and couldn't breath, Mind was on fire. Memories was flashing like hell. I wanted to amend our problems. Life is so short for bullshit. I missed our friendship so much its hurt. It really did hurt. I cried like no tomorrow. I had to force myself into a nap. It was too much to bear.
Even after all this. I had to carry on. Why Now? Why Wait now?
I suppose seeing her late 2014 while having coffe with Katrina broke something in me. A storm of sadness, a storm of emotion, a storm of happiness, A storm of regrets. A storm of memories that I locked it all away. I truly miss having her as a friend, I miss those days and wanted to form new ones but alias. She became so petty and set her grudge on me for good.
I have to move forward. That is the only way although I still somehow feel hopeful that me and her will amend our friendship. That hope is still there as long her anger for me exist. There is Hope unless of course she comment on this and telling me once and for all to go fuck myself. Then pretty much.

Work was something. I got shit done which was a good feeling for once. I went to work out in the gym, over working myself. Going to the gym on saturday if my plans failed.
Sabrina teased me with content to remind me why i'm nuts about her. I rush to the bank after gym to settle a incorrect balance which was fixed. More money to me.

Learn that I might get promoted to full time. Fingers cross

03 December 2016 @ 05:15 am
Quite a lot happen this month.
I threw a surpise birthday party for Sabrina. She was in shock and adore of my actions.
Thanksgiving was fun. Farha enjoy the company of my family.
I feel like i'm moving forward with life. Although I do find it funny that people think Christina's kid is mine. @_@;
Work been killing me that I been drinking quite a bit.
I think I got PTSD but not 100% sure. :/ I got the signs.

Today I hung out with my friend, Martha at Rockfella. It was fun
Monday I'm going to see a old friend of mine that I haven't seen in years.
Things are looking up...
beside rent. -_-;
I wonder how everybody is doing?
*Dead quiet*
Yea.. I thought so.
01 November 2016 @ 07:54 am
This year took a Toll on me.
My emotions went haywire. Doubts. Trying to keep a promise of not trying to fix/restore/reconnect a friendship that people said I was deeply abused on even if I don't see it and seeing that ex friend cause a Anxiety attack. Its like fighting you who are you and fighting what you must do and fighting with the memories that you hold deep within your heart and there so much unwanted question that arise from that civil war movie:

Why did you unblock me from facebook? I was deeply in shock.
Why you never give me the benefit of the doubt?
Do you hate me that much?
Even if I invite you to the wedding of me and sabrina, would you have come or just ignore it? Since it was you and matthew (who suck at it) who help kept the relationship going until it found it footing again. I doubt you will answer theses..  But sometimes its nice to be proven wrong.

Ever since then. I live on Regret of what I done. Dispite being told otherwise. But I don't let time hold me down. I kept going, hoping our path will connect once and we will finally talk like old friends again and then you can kill me. -_-;
Against all odds. I still hold on to that hope. I'm a idiot, but.. I'm still me.
12 August 2016 @ 02:36 am
I'm always angry of my mistakes that finally reach up to me.
I just don't think and cause them over and over.
when will I learn?
When will i stop hurting myself further?
Deep down in my inner core. I'm a extremely nice guy but i been tested so hard that I just want to give up.
Maybe I just bitching..
but I could use a friend..